…and the wind just brings you somewhere uncertain. You may be confused by now, but hey, you're floating.
Two weeks into 2025, I have been faced with a roller coaster of chaos while at the same time just laying down on the bed letting a slow, lazy day go by. From delayed payment stuff to adjusting myself to a new full-time work, so many things are happening, I can't even believe it's only half the month. It really is indeed a slow month and what would others say, "it feels like a year in itself." And now, I’m in for some major life-changing decisions.
But despite all that happening in front of me all at once, there are a few things that feels like a heavy thing to take on but ended up quite a breath of fresh air and a whole new different direction, really putting things in a whole new perspective.
I used to be a fast-paced, driven, and a "get things done right away" kind of person, or at least I am trying to push myself into being productive all the time. Work and school also pushed this hard upon me. I got very comfortable with being just a machine and feel satisfaction when my tasks are done as sooner as it gets. This time it's different. My new work really taught me to relearn things and take my time as much as I need, without ignoring due dates of course. It's okay to slow down and take baby steps, as I don't really have to know things right away. I'm very thankful for the supportive and guiding people on the team, but it still feels like I'm imposing these pressures on myself, making me so anxious.
What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not as efficient as they expect? What if my work outputs are not really that good that it will throw them off and lose patience in me? I had so many questions. Then a few days ago, they called me for some minor mishaps and complimented my work, there's the relief I needed. I still have doubts back then if they really mean it and just said it to keep me around, but what matters for now was the compliment and sense of assurance, I really needed it.
Sometimes, I would think, what if it isn't at all that bad and just part of something I like to call "new-work blues". Of course, things are uncertain because I'm still on that mentally-taxing transition phase and adjusting to a new environment is no joke. To be fair, I have no problem about the workload and the tasks, it's in my comfort zone. But the style is more different than it used to, and there are supervisors watching over my outputs, which is new to me since I got used to doing it all myself. I still had past micromanaging traumas so I'm still adjusting to things, but this is actually a better dynamic now, everything is planned, organized, and I don't have to do it all by myself.
Also, these past two weeks made me certain on what else I need to put a "time-out" on. I've been put on so much academic stress the past year and my patience were really tested at times. I became harsh, lightheaded, and more anxious. I was an eager student, aiming achiever to the point that I let any inconveniences get the worst of me. I lost my drive, my passion, my energy to go to school and learn. I got disenchanted and demystified with the idea of learning, going to school, and being involved. Things start to feel like a chore rather than an opportunity. I had a spark that burnt out all of a sudden. So now, I just want to hibernate, take things gentler upon myself, and have a little "academic break".
Other than the stresses and the overwhelm, I was also faced by extreme financial issues last year resulted by losing my past works. I don't know where I can recoup my back-balances (which was a lot). For me, I believe that I shouldn't look at money as the issue. Although it plays a huge factor, I know it is not the bigger case. I was in a terrible headspace, and I became more anxious, depressed, distracted, and so alone. I became more socially anxious: afraid of people and what they may be judging me with my every move. I need to cope, heal, and find my love of learning again.
Looking back, Before I decided to get back into pursuing college again, I took it upon myself to make it as a mean, avenging gesture to the universe for me to complete and get my degree, as I used to hold grudges when life brought me into circumstances that made me stop and feel like a failure. I love learning and being in a well-known institution that time made me someone with drive, passion, and bigger goals ahead of herself, and it was damaging to me when I had no choice but to fall short and not continue that path. Looking at it now, how my younger self reacted was a bit harsh and selfish, but I came in terms with that. The point is, re-doing college for me is more personal and such a bigger deal than others may have expect.
I took a program in a local, private institution that I am certain to help me thrive. It's not my first choice but close enough to still fit myself in, I did my best and got myself better grades, experiences, and opportunities. I was able to meet and get along with industry professionals and goal-oriented peers. To say that it became a highlight of my 20s has been an understatement. I loved being part of projects that are creative and well-thought out. I've worked with different ideas with well-rounded and dedicated people. I loved every second of it, but now it all feels so tiresome, and it really drained me. I was also a working student and I'm alone in supporting myself financially, hence maybe the added baggage that lead to exhaustion. But I have no problem with it since I can handle my time well juggling both to be fair.
This is with a heavy heart. I would really like to be an achiever, but this break can disqualify me for such. As much as I can say that I still can push through, I think it's time for me to listen to my soul on how exhausted it is and why I should take a well-deserved break.
Being a recovering people-pleaser, I also used to worry about the “I told you so” part. I’m afraid that there are people that are rooting for my downfall and just seeing me “give up” for a bit can bring them satisfaction. I don’t see my pause as an act of giving up, but people from the outside may see it as such, especially if they do not understand and appreciate the essence of it all. I was (and still) scared to be looked down upon, again. Then now I get to think, “Who cares?” It’s not like they are involved in my studies anyway. Now I opened up to someone I’m comfortable talking to about this and they have been nothing but supportive and understanding, allowing me to have my decision validated.
With this decision, I acknowledge my privileges. Some students can't afford to take a semester away because their family supports them, I am the only one supporting myself so I have so much flexibility on what I want to do on my own terms and my own consideration. I am a smart person for sure I can catch up. As much as I feel like it would be nice to be an achiever, I realize that I don't need to prove anything really. Also, I am already a professional, and I'm just in this college journey for the leverage and the advantages of being a degree-holder.
Now, I have no concrete plans on what the future has in store for me. I am just letting things in a slow pause and let it all work out in my favor. Less judgement, less pressure from other, just the journey of igniting flames from within. All that matters is that I took a difficult leap of faith and now I am seeing more of myself in a wider angle on what I want to improve. I want to spend the time focusing on adjusting to my work, and most importantly, healing, learning to slow down and enjoying life.
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