Whether we like it or not, we all got our weaknesses. They say, “life will be too easy if we are all created perfect”, so it is quite a natural thing to have difficulties and challenges as we navigate life, let alone a world made of uncertainties. After all, we are not made perfect, but rather made to be beautiful and capable of achieving great things.
One thing about me is that I am a huge ball of anxiety. I get nervous and freaked out all the time over the simplest things. In fact, this post is inspired by a recent interaction; Me taking hours to send a message to my professor because I’m overthink things so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been always a smart and kind person as well as a good student with great potential, but I don’t know why it’s like a heavy task to just do basic human tasks, especially interacting with people. There’s also a constant habit of people-pleasing; pouring my all to anything and anyone else but myself. Some people may say that I am wasting my potential, when in fact, I’m just hindered by my own mind; the same brain that keeps the said potential.
I often get a lot of panic attacks because of this. Although some may notice that I do it less, but the thing is it didn’t get any better. I just learned to be more self-aware and control it, even keep it hidden. In fact, it gotten worse with that. I became very wary and oh so guarded to let myself be vulnerable to the point that I could get violent, explosive, and lash out. I don’t want to be a burden or leave a bad impression, but I feel like I already did. It’s sad. I learned to just suppress the emotions because at the end of the day I work, I study, I go places, I make huge adult decisions in a daily basis which some should not get too emotionally-involved. It’s tiring to do things while I am challenged more by my mind. Sometimes, I wish that I don’t want to decide for myself anymore. I wish that I can have the privilege to just not think about the smallest details. I overanalyze things, actions, gestures, and even words and attitudes; things that are completely out of my control or concern at all. it’s hard to just make a simple mindless interaction and not ruin relationships. These results to me being so distant when all I wanted is to belong, which is a walking irony. It made expressing my genuine emotions too difficult.
There’s a constant want to feel that I am part of something and that I belong enough to be considered a friend or a close one to others. I put people I admire in such high pedestal to the point that I feel so small to reach them. I also feel like I cannot express that much while everyone knows themselves that well already and I am so behind. I try to listen and observe and make sure I work well with others but I can’t help but come off as distant and out of place. I want to be considered, I want to be thought-of even when I’m not around. I want to feel like people wants me around to spend time with them and listen to their stories. I want to be a friend, not just a random person around. But I just can’t do that easily. It’s quite hard to initiate something because I feel like they will be uninterested, because who am I really, right? I am interested in getting to know people and be a part of a circle, and I can make time to be available. But sadly, it seems like no one wants me around. I’m very insecure about myself this part. People reaches out to me and try to make friends, but I restrain myself too much that they don’t consider me a part of their closer circle. I want to be appreciated and feel like I still matter. I want to have people to share significant moments of my life, but I guess being too anxious and self aware limits me to show off my true authentic self, resulting to being awkward in any interaction I put myself into. I swear I can be just as relatable, insightful, and crazy if surrounded by the right people. I wish that there are some that will comfortably tell me about their day and listen with mine. I wish that people can comfortably vent out their problems and maybe ask for my help or advice (and vice versa). I want to be invited to special whereabouts and whatabouts. I’m just a simple person, if you want me around, I’ll try to be there. I just want to feel connected and have my life shared with others.
I constantly thought about disappearing for a while, but then I realize it will be too pointless because no other people will remember me or try to find me except the ones that helped me hide. Maybe I just want people to care about me that much.
The thing with me is that I think so much like my brain never stops working. I always worry and feel so sorry even the smallest things. It’s running all the time and it exhaust me sometimes, even to the point where it’s hard for me to sleep. Speaking of worrying, there’s also a constant feeling that people around me may have a negative perception of me in some way and I can’t avoid making a huge deal out of it. It’s hard to act natural as I try socialize with people. It’s hard to fit in and there’s always a feeling that I never really belong in places I try to thrive to be in. I try to feel accepted all the time and I constantly feel that I am a try hard, a faker, and just doing it all to no avail.
I also get heavily depressed most of the time and get easily distracted, making me resort to self-sabotage numerous times in my life. I always feel that there’s no point and I cannot be genuinely happy. I try my best to not let things get to me, but again, the brain works 24/7 no matter if it’s the good parts or the bad parts. I guess this is the curse of being a smart kid; you notice and understand everything and sometimes it doesn’t feel pretty and it’s more sad than freeing. There’s also a constant feeling of trust issues rooted.
Even if these are all a never-ending cycle of anxiety, stress, and sadness, I try to fuel myself of positive thoughts here and there. The internet, even if it’s known to a lot of harshness and toxicity, it can also give helpful advices, reassuring truths, eye-opening words, and a warm community of people to change your life (depending on the algorithm you have of course). I am learning about boundaries, affirmations, being assertive, the “let them” attitude, focusing on myself, and so on. It’s a hard learning curve, especially for a brain molded the same way as mine (thanks family and childhood trauma by the way) but thank goodness this has been shown to me as early in my 20s, I can’t imagine how worse my anxiety would get in my 30s if I haven’t learn even the simplest things like these. It helps in rearranging my priorities and changing my mindset.
Thank goodness for acts of kindness and support of people around me. I’ve always been trying my very best to somehow get along, be part of a conversation, and just talk with people to have fun and such. Some of them acknowledge my low social battery and my panic reactions. They are also the most fun people to be around and be comfortable with. I feel relieved just for a bit. Although sometimes I can still feel anxious and scared around them because of gestures that I have no business overanalyzing, but the thing is they are still very kind to me or at least shows it by trying to start conversations and make me feel like a friend that belongs. I am extremely grateful to have people like them. I am not sure yet what am I for them (might be a colleague that they just tolerate) but they still chose to be nice and friendly which is a huge helpful thing for me.
Also, I’ve became more aware of my boundaries and limitations, both physically and mentally. I’ve learned to put myself first. Although I feel like this also affects my relationships, but it’s helpful. As a chronic people pleaser, it’s a rough path to walk on, but it has gotten me better in my relationships with people. The fact that respecting my time and what I want should start with myself. Rather than lash out or have a panic attack because I feel terrible and exhausted in a situation, I just go home (or to safe alone spaces) and take me-times and rest so I could show up the next time happy and energized. I am also trying to fight my insomniac tendencies by managing my time and sleep at a reasonable time (I realized that sleeplessness really does so much mentally). I am also completely sober and away from alcohol (maybe rare occasions), which I plan to keep up. I try to take care of my physical health but at least trying to walk and do stretches/movements every day, just to shake off the sedentary lifestyle out. I just don’t have so much time, energy, or physical capacity yet to commit to any workout plan or routine, although I would like to start eventually. It helps with clearing my mind and regulating my emotions and breathing.
Speaking of being a people-pleaser, saying no at times felt like a superpower. As much as I want to be available for everyone and cater to what they need all the time, it’s quite a breath of fresh air to know that you have can make choices that favors yourself, even if it means saying no to whatever drains you. With that, I also learned to just do things my way a bit more carelessly rather than fitting myself in a normal mold that may not be best for me. I acknowledge that each of us has our own qualities and uniqueness. Being wary of how we do things because we avoid to be deemed “too different” or “too weird” is one of the main factors why we get anxious. We tend to worry about the judgements. The thing is, we don’t have to. We are born to our individual identities and we all have our different ways of doing things. I later on realize that my harshest and most judgemental critic now that constantly compares me to other people is myself. I am coming in terms with that, and I am trying to just enjoy life as it is, have fun, and be kinder to myself.
I consume fun media all the time, I try to stay away from anxiety-inducing, sensitive, depressing things that will keep me up all night and make my mind run around worrisome thoughts to the point that I cannot sleep. Although I still watch those kinds of stuff, but only when I’m in the right headspace and with enough mental energy to do so. I enjoy funny stuff and mindless commentary more in my free time. I also enjoy upbeat pop and energetic rnb more than slow ballads (although I love me some good ballads sometimes). I used to be more keen on lyrics which can get too emotional but now I just try to appreciate the music as a whole. I do less social media unless I am posting or sharing anything I feel happy or deeply-invested about as well as interacting to my friends’ stuff. It’s fun.
I also try to challenge my limits and still function like a normal being. Simple errands, going for outdoor walks, asking around and be surrounded by random strangers is a hard task, let alone blending in and trying out new things. It’s helpful because I get to exercise myself with routines and outdoor interactions. I don’t really want to baby myself around, and I am already functioning like an actual adult so why change it, right? All I have to do is regulate my emotions and anxiety better. So far it has given me great results in my daily adult life, work, school, and personal relationships. It is still challenging, but progress is progress.
I also journal sometimes and write up what I feel as unfiltered as possible (just like this one). It helps me identify what I really feel in a certain situation and come up with a reasonable solution. It doesn’t have for be grammatically correct but as long as you are comfortable in writing them and you let your thoughts fly, you’re good to go. It helps with healing as it helps you let it all out talking about things that you feel heavy about and reading it will give you a clearer idea of the situation and what you want, don’t want, and what could be changed.
Overall, every day battling with anxiety is a difficult undertaking, but I strongly believe that the best step is to still try and be out there, but still considering your capacities. There are always kindness in every corner and finding them in times of challenges is a huge beacon of light. There are ways to be better. You can’t (and don’t have to) necessarily pull anxiety out of your body and throw it away. It’s a part of this life of uncertainties in some way or another (we all just have different kinds and intensities of anxieties. For some it’s just an emotion of nervousness while to some it’s a full on problem that impacts their lives), all we have to do is to learn how to navigate life better so that it can be a life that fits well to our needs.
But here’s a disclaimer though, I am never diagnosed with anything nor have seek any form of help yet as of writing this post. I am just sharing straight up from my experiences, and I’m probably not qualified to give out professional advice either so I’m just sharing words to relate and inspire. Please take everything here with a grain of salt.
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