It took me a while to come in terms with how I looked like. It’s challenging to be fully comfortable with my appearance. I’m just glad that I am getting there somehow.
If you have met me in person, it is quite noticeable that I appear to be on the heavier and broad body type, which would fall into an overweight and obese classification. In simpler terms, I am plus-sized. It is quite the insecurity for a long while, especially the bloaty abdominal part that makes me look like someone five months pregnant. I also had a very tan skin and chicken-skin spotty arms, which are also some lesser insecurities of mine.
With that, I hated posing in cameras (unless for selfies where it’s only my face they see). I hated doing or being on videos. I always felt like I look like a blob. I don’t smile often because I don’t feel good with my teeth, I use filters to lighten my complexion. I used to get annoyed when people points out or comments even just little things about my physique or my “chubbiness”, my arms, and sometimes about my “health”. I’ve also found comfort with the usual oversized clothing that made sure covers most of me and hides me as much as possible.
If you have been following me on my Instagram, you can see that I am not very big on posting myself, or my body that often. I hated looking at pictures others take of me. I used to feel that my body looks very flattering in those. My feed is filled with selfies and random photos. But lately, I try to improve myself, be more comfortable with what I looked like, and even experiment with clothing, which can be evident on my feed around earlier this year.
It was not very easy. In fact, I still struggle with it every now and then. I still have mixed feelings about the person I see in the mirror. I’m aware that it have led me to a bad relationship with my self-image and confidence, and may have been one of the catalysts for my bad relationship with food as well. I was also a tan kid, and a very outdoorsy one at that, so I wouldn’t mind if I’m darker. Although sometimes I wish it would be better if I’m fair skinned.
I am 25, and as much as I try to come in terms that I should be more comfortable and well-kept about my appearance at this age, as I am expected to care less about it anymore (because duh, we have bigger things to worry about now apparently), I am still recovering from it as if I am a teenager constantly being bullied to what I looked like, but this time it’s my own brain.
I used to dislike what I look like, a lot, especially since I used to be small and slim when I was younger. It just happened that I was raised to enjoy food (also noting how spectacular cooks the family I grew up in were) and later on tend to rely more on food and eating when we feel happy, sad, celebrative, and stressed especially now that I got older (add that I’m at the point in life where I am now working and can afford to eat a lot). I hated that I gained weight and “inflated” a lot to seem unrecognizable from my past self.
The more I think of it, I haven’t really experienced cruel bullying from my peers and friends in terms of my appearance when I was younger. In fact, I just felt either blending in or being left behind in the corner. I get the harsher eyes from my family members. When I was a slim skinny kid, it was seemed as “unhealthy” and I have to eat more. Now that I’m fat (thanks puberty and genetics as well), they tell me to be skinny, so I don’t really know where to put myself. I am also dark, so imagine how hard my family tries to make me look fairer by just giving me whitening products.
I tend to try on my cousins dresses or any other clothing other than the usual T-shirts, and even got gifted a dress by a neighbor’s kid at some point. But when I try and show it off to my family, they seem to not like it and make comments like “it doesn’t look good on you” or “you look weird”. It’s not like I haven’t wore dresses during my childhood and teenage years, I did have dresses and even wore gowns and cocktails for some events. But when I was growing up, I am always hesitant to experiment with clothing because I’m afraid of any comments my family would make. Adding that I was sexually assaulted on my late teens, it gets worse hiding in baggy clothing, afraid to show myself off and hating every detail on my body.
So now that I got older, away from my family, and living a life on my own, I tend to cope with what I really want for myself. Following thrift fashion blogs and beauty influencers really inspired me to try adding fun to what I look. I ran errands trying to look nice and as someone I liked seeing in the mirror. I also tried makeup and it is very fun indeed. Then I got into a relationship, and the man wasn’t a really big fan with how I dress back then so I tried to tone it down without losing the element of enjoying my looks. But given that I barely leave the house, my laziness and low self-esteem really overpowered me.
School came around and it felt so back to zero. Meeting new peers really made me realize how little confidence I have; and those little confidence were just because I am a brainy kid. I hid inside the usual shirt-pants combo with consideration to the dress code of course. But seeing peers being pretty, confident, and fashionable made me look back and try to be all out with my appearance again.
I still get comments and triggers sometimes, but it’s a supportive environment most of the time. I even get to camera-facing or people-facing tasks such as recital, talent showcases, videos, and photos taken by others. I hate to look at those at first, but the more it sets to my mind, the more I appreciate myself and what I look like. Later on, I became very firm on what I want to look like that my boyfriend and family now just let me dress up, and they’re surprisingly supportive with whatever I want with it. I’m sure they are just pretty much tolerating me now but who cares? At the end of the day, it’s only me who should have a say about myself.
In terms of my health, I’m not really aware of the risks I have. Although genetics may have a significant factor to my weight and body type, I am not really seen (yet) with any health risks some of my relatives are exposed to such as diabetes and heart problems. In fact, I’m trying hard to regulate my diet and my lifestyle, given that I also have issues of my own such as PCOS and anemia. Pregnancy is also out of the equation because I always get negative on my tests.
I get involved in vigorous activities sometimes, but I get limited to do so because of my hyperventilation caused by anxiety, stress, and physical discomforts such as heat, crowds, and exhaustion. Although it gets manageable as time goes by, I still hated it and try to know where is the best time to stop before things get worse. I walk around a lot, do chores, run errands, and do some dancing in my room whenever I feel like it (I’m not a good dancer by any chance, I’m just using it as workout and self-expression). The point is, I may have so much limitation, but given that most of my live is literally being in front of the computer, I try to make less of a sedentary lifestyle.
Being plus-sized, I experienced first-hand that people falling under this category (myself for example) may find themselves in a situation where others treat them in a different way. Things like unnecessary comments, backhanded compliments, lifestyle-blaming, unsolicited “health advice”, body-shaming, and comparison to smaller bodies really makes an impact, especially depending on how we individually take those to heart.
I hated it to the point that I tried losing weight and watching what I eat even to the most concerningly wrong ways possible. I admit I looked at myself as someone I do not recognized or dreamt myself to look like. With that, I developed body image issues such as body dysmorphoria, tendencies of eating disorders and self-esteem issues. But now, I’m always trying. I am now on the process of loving myself more, healing, and establishing a better relationship with my body.
Now, all I can say that being exposed in a supportive, empowering, and kind environment can do so much. It’s a long process and I’m far from over. I could still be a mess at times, but now I should know better that I could look greater, and feel freer than ever. I can say that I am less insecure with my physique and can now be comfortable with my skin and curves much better than before, I just have to be kinder and be less harsh to myself.
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