Unsolicited Help

Of course, venting out your problems and getting advice or help is nice, but what I didn’t like are the unsolicited ones where people would assume that since you opened up to them about something, they are entitled to meddle in it.

I just want people to listen. If I would need help, advice or your opinion, I will ask for it. Well, I couldn’t avoid people sharing their reaction or perspective about the situation, but I hate it when it is implied that I am wrong with my ways dealing with my own problem, feel self-righteously superior to think that I’m too weak to deal with my issues and they feel obligated to help me as if I am a weak damsel in distress, and oftentimes being judged for it.

I have been trying my best to be an ear for everyone who needs it. I always try to be as available as I could and be someone to talk to. Some people may ask for my input, and some, may just want to be heard for once. But one thing is for sure, I only offer help and advice if they clearly asked for it. As someone who just want to be heard, I think it is important for me to learn to be a listener and a no-judgement space.

The thing about this is, they are there over a petty rant/vent but nowhere to be found on cases where I would actually need help. It feels like some people really do not have an intention to help but rather shove themselves and their issues to your throat. Some could even go to lengths of using the things you told them in confidence against you (As much as possible, I stay kind and not do something like this, as I know from myself that it’s blatantly disrespectful, so better not do it to other people as well. I let things speak for itself, after all I’m just a birds-eye observer.)

Shallow remarks like “it’s okay”, “just laugh it off” and so on also felt unnecessary. I know it’s okay or it will, and I use positive energies to deal with some aspect of it, no need to state the obvious. But each to their own because words of reassurance can be someone’s thing. Although I don’t see it as a big deal (in fact, appreciate the presence and effort even if it is by saying less because sometimes words aren’t enough to let us comprehend the gravity of someone’s situation. Sometimes, the less words the better), it’s just that, be careful with how we say things, without offending or disrespecting the person.

There are cases in fact that they do things to help in secret without the actual person knowing. That is just eerie in itself. Putting yourself in someone’s situation without their consent or discretion. What’s crazy about it is that what if they are personally not a fan of that option you did and you just put them in another unsettling situation. What if they have their own way of dealing it? What if there are other circumstances at hand that could make your option not applicable to their situation? Just think about it. That is why “minding your business” is a thing, every situation is different, and you have no way of deciding for a situation that isn’t yours (unless asked, but still up to them if they will take your advice or have their own plan in mind.)

Hardship one-uppers are the worst. They always had to insert themselves in your situations and make a comparison. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when people share their experiences and provides me an insight, but there’s a line between healthy input, and just meddling in someone’s story, downplaying their issue. Phrases like “I’ve had it worse”, “back in my day”, “if that were me”, “in my case” and such are such pet peeves, especially if I didn’t ask for it. I have my own stuff here; I couldn’t care less. If you’re going to make me feel bad because “you had it worse”, then just go on your merry way, I guess. The least I would need at that moment is someone making me feel small, unimportant, and my story does not matter. It’s not always about you, how about you listen for once because I matter too (unless you don’t value me at all).

Also, there’s nothing wrong about relating yourself to someone’s problem. Some people do that to connect, and it’s natural to may have resonated with someone’s issues. During my issues about the “joke”, I talked to a friend about it, and they open up about an unrelated situation about their experiences. It may be unrelated in hindsight, but I understood it in a way that we share something in common, which is the pain in receiving insensitive remarks. I would still like to listen to your story, even if I’m also struggling with mine as well, but just don’t make me feel that my story is also yours for the taking. Everyone is different, you may have dealt with a similar situation before, but as long as it’s my story, it only goes my way (unless I ask you for some help).

It’s not that I’m close-minded about it, I just don’t know how to deal with it. I grew up not having a system that encourages us to speak up and ask for help, so I have no idea how to take them. I acknowledge that I may have look at some of it the wrong way. It is something that I’m already in my weak and vulnerable point, so the least I could need is someone telling me that I am. Also, as a person with my own way dealing with my problems, I am so tired to see people feel like they can do something about it. I ask for help sometimes if I’m comfortable to do so, but sometimes it could feel invasive, which is something I don’t like at all.

Instead. start by asking questions or reassurance. Start by saying things like “would you need my input on this?”, “do you want me to just listen”, “if you’ll need me or my help, just let me know”. I guarantee you; some people just want a living breathing companion sometimes and not necessarily another opinion that may convolute theirs.