...Relatives, am I right?
Once they get the news of someone living in with their partner, it’s an automatic thought that a baby might be on the way next. But for the record I am not a target demographic of the “When are you going to have a child?” question, but rather its worse variant, the magical “You gained lots of weight. Are you pregnant?” Type of query. Filipino, eh?
First off, to clear the air, I am not pregnant nor looking ahead to having a child. If I look fat, that’s because we have food at home. We stress on what to eat not because we don’t have any, but rather we have a lot and that makes it quite difficult to decide. Also, my job involves sitting in front of my computer the entire day at my home. Given that I don’t have that much physical effort to work, I also lack exercise (but I promise that I’m working on it already)
Don't get me wrong, babies are cute and I would love to have one. Looking at them even just on the internet relieves stress and I would like to take care of one, but I can't see myself being a mom yet. There are questions to myself what if I tend to be a terrible parent
Alright, I will make an explanation on the 10 reasons why a child may not be in my priority right now.
I am just a poor girl from a poor family
I was raised in a poverty-induced situation, and we're still working hard to achieve a better life we always wanted. I promised to myself that I'll bring a child to this life once I'm stable enough to give them the kind of life I wished when I was a child, but that's still a long way ahead. I admit to be envious of other kids when they get what they want, and I used to daydream about having a better life and keep up with other kids. I simply don't want my future children felt left out on life, and I just don't want to let being poor make us suffer as a family.
My parents may be a good (or bad) example
I live with a broken family; that in itself should be a dead giveaway. I don't want to raise children in a dysfunctional household if in case me and my partner fell out of love, especially given that we are still a young couple filled with uncertainty. Also, all families aren't made perfect, but boy oh boy heavens made ours intentionally terrible. My father is a drunk, easy going type of man whom I never grew up most my life with, while my mom used to be violent at us, and left us most of our live in exchange of work.
The entire process could be painful in all aspects
It's a fact that giving birth could be painful-physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and a whole lot more. The entire process can be a huge risk in our health and our wallets, and can take a toll on us. I encounter stories where there could be huge changes in our health after giving birth as well as triggering more mental health issues like a post-partum depression. I see myself very sensitive when it comes to these things. My physical and mental health condition seems to be normal yet still sensitively weak hence the possibility of more complications.
If you weren’t raised, you wouldn’t know how to raise
We validated a few points ago that I lived in a broken family, but to add, I did not even lived most of my life with any of my parents. Most of my growing-up years were guided by my grandma, aunt, and cousins. It wasn't easy. Since they are a family of their own and biases were around, me and my sister felt really left out and only have each other. We forced ourselves to work hard on our studies and be as independent as possible. We weren't raised with a parent figure rather than just guardians. Up to this day, we adapted to a more independent lifestyle, so I barely have an idea on how parenting or being parented goes all throughout someone's growing up years.
Adding another to the population? In this economy?
Our economy is a mess circus show as what I like to call it. I live in a poverty-filled and population-heavy country. It is a struggle living in this economy, where we are all basically poor. Working hard to have something to eat and pay the bills, settling for substandard education, healthcare, housing, and more public facilities, everything being so expensive, everyone being so discriminated, and more. I would be really discouraged to give birth in an unsafe, unsure, unhappy and inaccessible environment.
Health concerns/issues
There's a possibility that I may be suffering from health irregularities and conditions that can be a hindrance for me to carry a child. Of course, sharing the detail here would be something I would not be comfortable doing, but you get the point. To put it, I barely put my health in priority, and I regularity experience unusual changes physically, and even mentally. I am yet still have to talk to a doctor/professional about the actual status of my health. But you know, it's there, and I need to confirm things first before proceeding with such heavy health-altering decision.
Support system? Don’t know her
Given that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and had no strong foundation to hold on to my dear young life, it's hard to find a support system I can rely to. Given my traumatic and unusual upbringing, I might as well be struggling mentally which I think won't help to be a good parent I want to be, and as much as possible, I don't want them to experience life the way I did. Sure, I have my partner and my family but I doubt it will suffice. To say, I am still not sure if I can be a better support system, even a role model and an actual parent to my child. I want to be the mom that my child will be happy and comfortable with, so better build up my support system, ideally seek professional support first, and work on my attitude, personality, temper, emotional maturity, and stress-management.
We’re very busy with work and stuff. We got bills to pay and a lifestyle to fulfill
We're young, and apparently working way too hard to make ends meet, trying to fit in whatever we earn. We're financially stable in terms of we can pay bills and serve enough food in our table, but no, we are not well off to afford another huge expense. Not saying that a child is nothing but an expense, but of course raising one can cause us a lot of our money and energy. There's love, but let's be real, love won't feed them, change their diapers, cradle them to sleep, etc. And I doubt that as a couple working for a small check, often rendering overtimes and accepting side gigs, we can barely afford anything. We want the better, if not the best life for the family, and I think our current way of living won't be fitting.
We’re just a new couple? We’re not sprinting this life thing
It's very self-explanatory. We are young in our early and late 20s. We still have a lot that we can do before trapping ourselves into parenthood. Given that we're three years into the relationship, maybe we can do more travel and experience more adventures together first as we have more chance to get to know and assess our abilities together, and even build a more steady foundation to our relationship. We want to experience being in a better place and well-accomplished in our relationship with no regrets, stresses, and frustrations to pass on to the kids (which I observed with my parents unfortunately, and it's bad)
It's a life-long responsibility, and We are not yet ready (in every aspect)
To sum things up, we are not ready for this life-long responsibility. We still have the time to get to know ourselves and how capable are we to build a family and be able to suffice everyone's needs. Of course, being a family is not just thinking what is good for the child, also for us as parents. I have a high standards in the family I want to build. I want everyone to be happy and make everyone's need met. I want to learn more about building long term, emotionally-involved, and practical commitment with my relationship first before jumping in a new one with my future child.
What did we learn today kids?
We are still young. There’s still a world ahead of us. Rushing over a new chapter in life without a thorough preparation may cost not only us but our future children a lot of trouble. Being a reasonably good parent starts with family planning and assessing your capacity to give birth raise a child in a loving, nurturing, peaceful, kind, and empowering environment that they deserve. Starting a family is such a bigger responsibility than how we see or credit it to be.
Also, I may need to start being aware of my appearance, health in both physical and mental, and start working out.
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