I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, and being the person that I am, I am afraid that even myself doesn't like who’s in that reflection. There are so much incidents that pushed me to more than my limit these past few days, and as much those incidents made me be so uneasy on myself, I tend to do sudden, impulsive, violent, emotional outbursts and become more unsettling to other people as well. From hyperventilating over uncomfortable and overwhelming situations, or hurting myself in public due to unresolved traumas, I admit that those are not cool and doesn't make me look any better. Besides, I understand that I affected and pushed away some people that I value, and they are always valid to feel some way.
I've always been someone emotionally unstable and always up for self-destruction. I am far from being "well put-together" as what I may be sometimes perceived. No matter how smart and composed I seem to be, it has always been a problem that is terrifying even to myself that how I am poor of handling my emotions and blur any rationality when I am spiralling out of control. I hate being a burden or a problem or an inconvenience to everyone, I don't think anyone wants to be such. But sadly, even I have been noticing it to myself and it doesn't look good, and I need to do something.
At this point, just saying "I'm working on it" and "I'm doing better now" isn't enough, and clearly can be just seen as an empty reassurance and just a dodging a topic that I should've been open about in the first place so that these outbursts doesn't happen at the point that it's concerning or annoying. But growing up in a place where your emotion doesn't matter and being dismissed when you speak what you feel, it grew as an ugly habit to the point that subconciously assuming causing a scene is the only way you could be heard. It is probably the least best thing to say in this context, but I am always working on it.
I am aware how it affected other people and made them distance themselves actually, I apologize and they have all the right to do so. I am just seeing how I could be harmful to others. As much as I struggle on my own mental and emotional health, there a chance that I put others' in a much compromising situation, and it doesn't have to be that way. That is toxic, inexcusable, and very unfair. I love, look up to, and grew sudden attachments to people I meet in a regular basis, and I am also a people pleaser (unfortunately) so it matters so much to me how they think, feel, and decides to do, hence I have to understand that the love I have shouldn't be painful and draining for them. And it shouldn't be very personal (but up to them if they choose to), but rather prioritizing their own well-being, which they deserve and are entitled to.
For now, I am trying so hard to detach myself from things that just doesn't serve my best interest and take a break every once in a while (especially when I don't feel my best). I still keep my composure as much as I could, be mindful of the present, and distance myself (Not because "The further the explosion, the lesser the impact", but rather because I am still finding the confidence and the heart to be comfortable with people again and not act up just because I don't feel like I belong). It is not a seamless, linear process and there's always humps on the track, but just know that this is a chance I don't take for granted.
In fact, I am taking breathing activities and getting into stuff that helped with my anxious thoughts and overthinking by letting me just focus to the present. Also keeping myself humbled by my family and support system which is not the best out there, but helps somehow. Writing journals and blogs helps me practice being more expressive and bottle up less. I put myself out of uncomfortable situation as much as I could, I am learning that I don't always have to please people to fit in, and try to build a better structure with work, school, and personal life to get me less overwhelmed, and try to have some time off social media. These are easy on paper, but a very long complicated process that would need me some courage and support to keep going. I am trying, I'm doing my best, and I am always hoping for the better. There's so much to learn and unlearn, and hope to do just fine. For now, I keep myself in the distant corner, be present and continue to be happy for everyone.
Just because I was raised in an environment where I have no priviledge to be heard and cared for, no chance to talk about how I feel or nothing what I say mattered, doesn't mean that the best way to handle it is bottle up, keep things to myself, and explode. This is one of the reasons why I don't want a child in the first place, I'm afraid I might hurt them because I'm too emotional, never knowing that I might be doing it to other people I love.
At this point, I don't want to care that much about how people would take it, I just want to speak out because this behavior of mine isn't something I stand for and it is necessary for me to clear things up.
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