In a random afternoon, I'm very emotional and I start to think much on things. I strongly feel that my life is starting to lose substance. I'm basically just communicating all the time with my sister or partner (rarely on my family for some reasons). I don't know anything or anyone in this city I live in. I don't have friends to catch up to or extra things going on. I pretty much live as a machine inside a prison; I wake up, eat, lie in bed, wait for my partner to go home, work at home, do chores if I feel like doing so, lie in bed again, have some time with the man himself, and be on my phone 24/7.
Sure, doing almost nothing the entire day being a stay-at-home girl is somewhat favorable, but starting to feel empty inside is a different narrative. My identity starts to fade, really. And being the independent, self-sufficient person that I am, that doesn't sound good at all. The Girlboss in me is slowly fading away, and I don't like it. With my full ego and pride, I say that I don't want to be just my man's pet, I want to have something going on for myself.
Being a piece of nothing who barely have a chance to go out and do interesting things is a sad place to be in. I have the freedom, but I do not have the reasons and the motivation.
I'm having thoughts of going back to college, or just restart freshman year since I dropped out to the university that I went for a semester in. Since it is not possible to get my college records, I guess it wouldn't hurt to just do it all over again. In fact, I wouldn't mind since I genuinely enjoy school and I'm having a good feeling about meeting new people and exploring a wider space. The college degree relating to either arts, communication, or social studies would be nice and would give me a boost personally and professionally, but most importantly, the self-fulfillment and the sense of accountability and accomplishment will be off the charts.
I just see it as something that could bring me some challenge and could make me feel normal and would make use of my time. Also, it could be a motivation for me to be out there, push myself further, and develop discipline and have some routine in my life. Working at home could get very isolating and lonely, especially if there's barely any chance or reason for me to go out and function like a normal person such as meet other people and be in a community. Sure, I have my partner with me almost always, but it could get more exhausting to be stuck with the same environment and person all the time, also when I am left alone for their job.
I always loved school. I was able to get involved, be surrounded with people, and distract myself from the emptiness of it all. School makes me happy. I admit disliking some classes and professors before but in general, I always had a great time at school.
I've been in college one semester, but it took a toll on me. I got in a prominent state university, and it is basically free education (I only spend money for class requirements, projects, and all). It's a great school and I already had a place to stay with free breakfast. But at the same time, it was a challenging time for my family. My mother has been hospitalized, and as the eldest daughter, I felt like I was dragged to different places at once. I didn't have the time or energy to keep up. The next thing I knew is I had to go to the family home in the province, leave college as well as the relationships and happiness I made there behind. My mom couldn't work anymore so I pretty much got in a job and acted out as a breadwinner for the family.
To be completely honest, I didn't like what happened and being out of school was a decision against my will. But what can I do? Things were not expected, and no one certainly wanted things to happen. The least I can do is help in the situation and compromise.
Right when things started to look bright, the idea of going to college has been opened up in several occasions, mostly by my mom. I always have shown disinterest and only saw those talks as my mom showing her guilt that she had to pull me out of college and her still being too ambitious over me, which is understandable and made sense the more I look at it by the way.
I used to dislike the idea of going back to college. It's not like I don't want to, it's just that I am so afraid, and I don't know where to start again. I also used to doubt myself back then, what if being a working student isn't for me? What if I couldn't take in being employed and being a student at the same time? Also, I've had things in my old school that I can never imagine having again. I always felt like it's too late to start over or I am not ready yet. I am afraid that if I get into college again, it will be another terrible time for the family and my studies will be compromised again, ended up sacrificing my happiness again just because of something out of my control. It's basically a very traumatizing topic for me. The way that I struggled balancing college and my mom needing me burned me out. I am not afraid of school, I'm afraid of the uncertainty of life and life’s tragedy bomb whenever I start to feel happy about what I do.
Now, my sister, who had to stop her college for a while because of the pandemic and the toll of family losses, is now working towards transferring to a better university as a working student. That inspired me to come in terms with my college trauma as well. In fact, I am now away from the family, and I am independent enough to have things in my own terms. I'm technically “free from the curse” and now “in a better place than before”. Still, our current situations and things we can afford were completely different, so I am still worried that what if things don't work out for me the way things are working out for her. I like to have a positive outlook at it and oh man I hate being cynical.
But the more I think about it, the more I do my research, and the more I am having doubts whether it's a great idea at all. I want to get in a great university if I get the chance of course, but every ideal college I look for is quite expensive for my liking. I don't earn much and my cost of living itself is not very cheap either. Most of my paychecks are going to different places. With those, I get to live in a comfortable house, with complete utilities that I can use whenever I please. I am just worried on what if the payments were not achievable, especially that it must be more than just the tuition fees, which is already pricey on itself by the way. I have no security on what if all of a sudden I lose my jobs and it will take me some time to stand on my feet again (knowing how I'm not yet the best person to keep a job long-term and still needs to manage my work patience). How can I keep up with everything? But I guess, nothing a little lifestyle adjustment and stricter money decisions couldn’t do.
Aside from the financial aspect, I am also overwhelmed with the possible activities, projects, requirements, assignments, thesis, time it will need from me, conflicts in schedule and so on. It's not something I'm threatened of because I personally enjoyed activities and I like being disciplined and resilient despite a heavy schedule, but they're something I'm very crucial with. That's why I would love to get in a course I am passionate about so that I could enjoy these activities and not see them as “just schoolworks that takes so much time from things that matters more”.
Of course, I have the options to get into state universities again as they don't cost much and the only ones I have to pay for are the other expenses. But that's the ugly side of it all. I want to get in a course that I am passionate about, and sadly, state colleges here in my area were very limited. Aside from courses I don't see myself in, state colleges here are far from my area and aren't the best experience in my opinion. I was also informed that it couldn’t be as working-student-friendly as the exclusive ones, so that’s also one for consideration. I couldn't go back to my past university too since it is away from where I am at now.
Since I'm no longer a fresh out of high school enrollee and my high school grades were not that impressive (still above average, but not the best), chasing scholarships and student loan programs may not be very easy as well. And if it does, maintaining grades as a working student may be challenging (This is not a threat to me, as I'm positive that I am smart, if anyone can, I can also manage). Government grants are around, but I don't know where to look, I admit to not knowing and not be involved in anything on the community, which is a problem. I am ideally looking forward to just not avail anything at all since maintaining it will be a tremendous responsibility and expectations from others and I don’t want to owe anyone anything, but I have worries that bare bones money will suffice, given that I still have bills to pay. Oh well, I think I am still on my capacity to take another work, but I don’t want to exhaust that option yet for reasons.
The nail in the coffin of it all is the admissions calendar. I just thought of it on a whim at a random Friday of June, and the academic year begins in less than two months. It may be possible to get into enrollment and make it in within those timeframe given but I have to prepare my documents by asking my high school by email (I'm not sure if they will attend those) or having to visit my former high school to get those documents which takes around 13 hours of travel, possibly secure a discount or scholarship grant, and pass an entrance exam (which is not an issue, I pass entrance exams all the time, just not enough to make the cut for scholarships or discounts though) as well as adjust with my paychecks, but I have to keep in mind that people prepare to get in their dream college for months. So, even though it may be possible to speedrun it and have me enrolled in several weeks, I'm not very sure if I can. It may still be tricky, challenging, and so unprepared, also given that at the end of the day, I still have my jobs to attend to (because we need money to make the needed things happen) and I can't commit full time to enrollments yet. What if all those efforts just goes to nothing?
The more I think about these things, I have been crying and overthinking ever since. Pursuing my studies is so tempting, but I am not so sure if these thoughts are just my bored imagination itching to enter my reality. I asked questions to my sister and my partner about some info on some universities, but I haven't completely confronted anyone about it, and most likely, someone will know my college thoughts if they go over this post.
Though, the morning after, I had a heart-to-heart talk with my partner about it. I was afraid that he will see my plans as something so ambitious and a “waste of money” then invalidate my emotions about it. Although it seems very simple, I was struggling to find the right words to tell him. I'm not used to people understanding me right away. Gladly, without any questions, he fully supported me, on board with the plan, and wants us to push it right away. His only comments were that as long as I still can manage it all, and I make sure I determined my course so that we can look for schools and he can help me walk through them. I was emotional because I never felt a validation and being accepted like this before. But hey, he had a culinary degree and in a ‘’drunk” occasion, he opened about how college and internships is important to my distant cousins one time (don't ask how), so now I see that he's not the type to be against someone that just wants to pursue an education, let alone his significant other doing so.
I opened it up mainly because I am also looking at his alma mater to go to, and I will need his help inquiring about admissions process and possible grants, which he promised to go with me sometime this week. (I see the university has a grant on alums’ spouses but completely out of the option as we're not married and we had no valid documents to present, and I don't really prefer to cling on relationships for a grant).
Next, I may try to open up to my sister as well or maybe using this post, but I'm still ashamed as she may have different feelings on things and may see me “copying her thing”. As mentioned earlier, I cannot deny that I am strongly inspired by her decision, and I decided to work things out dealing with my underlying fears. I am also looking at her current school, and I'm taking a chance for possible options, maybe a sibling’s discount. (Which may not be valid as she just transferred for this year and she haven't had a semester yet. Again, I also don't prefer to cling on my relationships for some grants). And I have mixed feelings about the idea of being in a same school with her. We grew up wanting different things and be territorial. I want her to do her own thing and thrive and I would like to be diverse in a different environment too. It might be possible, but she “called dibs” on that school already and it could be an asshole move if I insist to be on her territory too, especially if she doesn't like it. Not in my priorities but definitely in my top options as I also like that place and I have heard good things.
I am also looking forward to talk to it to my family, but I think it will spoil the fun of it. I'm sure my mom will have a field day with this but since I haven't done any move yet, I'm not so comfortable blowing up my cover. For now, I have no plans to inform people other than for help purposes. Also, I don't want to give my mom an “I told you so” moment for now. I am not comfortable giving her the credit on my own decision. I have shown disinterest before because was scared with the idea back then, and I am growing to a better, much more resilient person now that thinks I can now do better if I will. This decision is not certainly because of “My mom wants me to pursue” but rather because of ‘’What if I go to college for funsies because I'm bored being at home?”. In fact, I only remembered my mom telling me to go to college all the time while writing this post.
Now, I'm not sure if this will be going to happen, but I am extensively planning on things. The first step of it all is to request my high school records by email, hoping they'll entertain emails as it's too far for me to go to, I offered to just have them mailed to me, but I am also amendable to go in person if it’s not a possible option. Just some documents that I can keep at my disposal. Maybe not today but if in case someday I am ready, those documents are ready too, or just some fun personal document to keep if I ended up not being able to. The man also have promised to help me inquire to the administration office of the college he's been an alum of, in regards to the admissions and hopefully grants, hopefully it goes well.
Now back on my overwhelmed emotions.
2024 Update: This original Article written June 18, 2023, but it’s quite nice to look back about my thoughts about this now that I am already enrolled and in my second semester. After a journey of back-to-back 13-hour travels almost the same day, having a panic attack at my high school because of a mean registrar, my mother lending me my late father’s pension money to enroll, and my sister being mad at me because I did not tell her right away, I can say that I am now thriving, and happier than ever before because of this decision.
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