I thought I am okay with a life not knowing anyone else. All along I felt comfortable living with my boyfriend in the same roof and rarely leave the house, only whenever I have any energy to do so; most of them with him because as much as I love going outdoorsy alone at times, it could get boring and even overwhelming and sad.
I had a chat with my sister recently just to catch up. She tells me her recent whereabouts as well as how’s her friend group going. She’s very much a party person and I admire her freedom and being the independent person she is.
I had fun as she tells me all the details about what she and her friends been into recently. As someone who lived quite lonely, I’m very nosy and curious on what is a social life out there.
Later on, I started to cry. Still a bit jealous on both getting updated about her less than her friends, her having a friend group to get busy with, and just being able to go around and have friends in general. But that’s fine I think, I’m used to it and there’s nothing much I can do.
A stranger in a city not too strange to her.
I lived in the nearby town for 3 years, and this city for almost 2 years now. The beginnings were not as friendly as I had to stay at home for work. I did not go to school hence I have no classmates/school friends. I have no time to go out but if I do, maybe it’s more on running errands and assisting family members with their own appointments.
I had nothing much for things to work-out
I had friends before when I decided to work outside my house and to an actual workplace. I connected to lots of my colleagues but it’s nothing more than a workplace acquaintanceship. We go for drink after shift to ease the stress. But aside from that, there’s nothing much not-work-related we connect with. They have their own closer friends and besties circle they can get more personal with that I couldn’t seem to fit in. To be fair, I have nothing much to offer to the table.
But everything is very civil. If I could find them, I would love to befriend them more this time, but it will never be the same I guess.
Same with my past schoolmates, but the thing is I don’t have contact with any of them. Some of them I’m still friends on social media, but none I keep in touch and vise versa. Given that most of my school experiences were not great, I met some kind people that if given a chance, I would love to reconnect again.
Family and romantic partner has its own category.
Now, I hang out and talk every once in a while with my sister. I love gossips and us going out, although it makes me guilty sometimes that she has to pay on my invitation. She’s a good company to be around, especially when life isn’t that great. She is my best friend as much as I am hers. But as much as everyone, she has friends outside our circle that I couldn’t get in with, And I fully respect that.
I have my boyfriend. We live in the same house, go on dates, and confide in most of our lives. He’s older and a very sociable extroverted guy. His friends are more on the older range and are into interests and personalities I don’t align with. I am not with him whenever he gets to see his own friends, and if I do, I’m very civil.
Sometimes I wonder how is it like to have friends outside my family. Someone to share relationship and family gossip outside the territory. Someone that I could get an outsider insight on things. Some ones I could call my own while they are busy with their own social circles. I just want my own identity sometimes
I don’t know if I could be alone again… or do I?
I consider myself being an always alone person. Even living with someone makes me feel isolated. Add the fact that the someone has barely any time to understand me. They’re always busy and not available. Being along makes me occupied with the shallowness of the internet as well as thoughts that gets more depressing as time goes.
I just want some people that makes me forget to check my phone every five minutes and will distract me from my thoughts, is that too much to ask.
I know how to be alone again in fact, I’m just scared, and I already felt it all before and I’m tired to go back on it again.
My loneliness… is killing me
As much as I want to say that being alone doesn’t equal to being lonely, sometimes, especially this time, it isn’t the case. I acknowledge how it could lonely it is in here. Having no other personality looking forward to having me in their life could be very very sad.
I see best friends hanging out and being together all over social media, and I can’t help but be jealous. When will my time come?
Lonely hermit hiding in the pretentious mask of solitude
Ah yes, solitude. As much as I love it, too much of it could get a little bit lonely and isolating. Solitude is great for knowing yourself and learning more about things until you start to use it as an excuse to avoid people, which beats the purpose. Just think about it, you learn to be a better friend to the point that you don’t want to make friends. Instead of solitude empowering you to be a better friend, you use it to be an excuse not to be and be just a lone hermit without your spirit being fed, and that’s the monster of it.
It was a drug and just like any drugs, there are side effects. The more you stray away from the social life, the more you crave human flesh.
To be fair, I like solitude and I don’t think it is bad at all. In fact, it kept me sane for years. I was able to know myself more. But sometimes it will just be great to take a break from solitude and encounter new people and experience different backgrounds and personalities. I want to learn things with people, I want to be in a team. I want to give gifts, I want to sacrifice and make time for others too.
I may be an introvert, but I am human too.
I hate that once they know I’m an introvert, they assume that I don’t want to be friendly. I don’t think so. I may be an introvert, but I don’t think it has something to do with my lack of friends. Sure, I have a fast-draining social battery, but at least I still have one. I also enjoy talking, listening, and being social even just for shorter periods of time.
I may have some tendency of social anxiety as well but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to have friends. Sure, I get shy when surrounded by people, but at the end of the day I just want some people that will ask me how did my day go and will tell theirs as well when I ask them back.
I have no friends, period.
I have accepted the fact, yet I still cry at times about it. I don’t get to experience friendships at all. I haven’t experienced being involved in full-on friendship dramas. I haven’t heard other people telling stories about themselves, their lives, their relationships, their pets, etc.
Speaking of, I had friends in college and senior high school. But I blew it all and I have no contact with them anymore. When I left, the friendships died down, lost interest in me, and does better when I was gone. I admit to being a problem sometimes, but I swear I am doing my best.
Fantastic friends and where to find them
I know there are many places to find friends.
Social media is one of those places. But aside from the friends on-screen, I also like ones whom I can see in person and hang out with in person. In fact, I think I can find those people, I just don’t know what to find how to reach the right ones.
People socialize in clubs and party bars. But I just have no way. Although it could be something innocent, bars and clubs has a bad rep and can be seen as a place to flirt and hookup. As a person in a relationship with a matured guy with traditional mentality, it’s difficult to get there without getting into trouble
Public places like parks, markets, roads, cafés, restaurants, and more, are also a good way to put myself out there. But it’s a rare culture here. People don’t go to public places to find new people. Sometimes people in public places don’t disturb others nor doesn’t want to be disturbed. And instead of finding friends, these places are mostly about meeting up with people they already know and going on dates.
Also something to consider too is on who seems trustworthy. You can’t just pour on yourself to someone random. People are skeptical most of the time to meet new people and sometimes they have their own standards, that’s why I should present myself better if I want to be liked.
Now I wish to find people either online or in person that I can call real friends and hang out with. Someone with a personality that is a breath of fresh air and outside the family circle. Maybe someday. I would like to look forward to that day.
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